all apologies to the shirtless drivers of the world, but i've gotta risk the branding of TLDR to tell this DBOTW story from last night.

so circa ~830pm last night (saturday) i was heading home from the city as it was beginning to snow. i didnt have time to pop a cab over to union station to take the metra back, and i didn't feel like going through 2hrs of buses/trains/bus-or-cab-or-20min-walk to get home, so i decided "fuck it, i'll take a cab." i was at kedzie and north and if you're not familiar cabs occasionally go by over there, but 99% of the time they're driving a fare to their destination so it's not really a fertile cab grounds to grab one. after spending a few minutes trying to hail cabs i realized the futility of doing such (and some middleaged black dude in a big ol SUV pulled up like YO HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF UBER? YOU CAN GET TEH APP FOR YOUR SMARTPHONE AND IT WORKS PRETTY WELL...." and while he's telling me this i happen to notice a SUPERTWINK of a fucking stereotypical hipster kid complete with the waifish bodily stature, the nuthugger jeans, the zip up hoodie, and of course the large glasses that look like they belong to a ~200lb woman from the mid-1990s. dude was staring me down either in an attempt to mean-mug me or perhaps because he thought i was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and he was relishing that all-too-fleeting moment where our timelines crossed, so it timed that he was walking right by me and dude with the uber pitch so i had to say "man i gotta keep it oldschool and keep it street otherwise if i use too many apps i'mma end up like this dude right here" * points *

lulz were had.

anyways on to business, uber thusly poo-poo'd i tried to call up flash taxi and their phone system was incessantly going on and on and on about their app (speaking of uber, it's basically the same concept just with cabs) and they kept me on hold for ~1-2mins while this automated response chick kept going on and on and on and on about teh app and some other marketing bullshit so i got frustrated with it and decided to go with american taxi, a company who i had somewhat recently used out in the suburbs via the call in and it was quick easy and concise (call up, press 2, say where i'm at and where i wanna go, ok cab #19 will be there in 10-15mins and i'm giving him your phone # just in case. bloody brilliant) its just that i know flash taxi has more cabs in the city and i wanted to compare the rates for the trip cuz the american taxi trip felt a little big high on the price (maybe $5-10 more than it should have been? it didnt help that dude was driving like 54/55 or 64/65 and accelerating very slowly and really easing into his stops because he was clearly milking the highway ride to try and add some $$$ via time along with the distance)

so this time around i'm starting from the city instead of the suburbs and hey at least if you call up for a dispatched cab the drivers can't pull that "uhhh yeah i'm going to have to charge you the fare plus 25-50% cuz it's a (gas/out-of-city/off-hours/peak-hours*/i'm-an-asshole-who-thinks-youre-not-gonna-tip-me) bullshit surcharge. you know, the cabbies read you as buzzin-to-drunk and basically decide to strongarm themselves a $10/+ tip by making up something official sounding while you're just "yeah yeah yeah get me home" --- c'est la vie. anyways, i get on the blower with american taxi and this time around i notice that the menu system is different. as the automated voice started going i was only half paying attention (remembering i hit 2 to get a cab last time) but i swear i heard them say "my account" so whatever i just hit 2 to get this endeavor started and instead of being sent to a dispatcher/operator i was sent to some minutelong reading of some terms of sefvice or something? huh? who the fuck calls up for a cab and wants to take a minute to hear the fine print / legalese / etc? i swear that it started to mention something about my address and phone # so i start pressing 0 about 15 times and then i hear "we're connecting you with an operator now!" -- about fucking time.

i'm greeted by an indian dude with a pretty thick accent.... hmmmm. this can't be outsourced, can it? most times i've callled them over the years it sounds like i get portly black chicks, but now i've got either a fobjob (fresh off the boat) or i've got the worldwide economy working for ME. i tell the guy that i want a cab; i'm going from kedzie and north in chicago to [highway/exit] in the burbs... he hedges and gives me an "uhhhh what's the address?" to which i'm like "you can't just tell the driver kedzie and north? hold on" i run up to the gas station and gleam 3214 so i tell him 3214 north ave. the guy clanks the keyboard and says "you're at the bp?" i say "exactly" and he says ok.... i tell him that i heard the phone system talk about my account, so if the computer has an address in [suburb] from the last time i called them up, use that for the destination. ok. and then i ask him how long it's gonna be and he says "twenty to thirty minutes" at which point i say "hey look, it's starting to snow and i wanna get home so i'm going to keep trying for cabs on the street. if i get one i'll call you guys immediately, but i think you understand that i'm hedging my bets here" he acknowledges that and then says that he needs my name address and phone #.... i asked him if this is for "my account" and he says yes and i begrudgingly start to give him all of the information.

of course, he botches my name 2-3 different ways requiring me to spell it like F FOR FLINTSTONE, U FOR UNDERWEAR, C FOR CARROT, K FOR KANGAROO, O FOR OLIVE, F FOR FORTITUDE, F FOR FUCK OFF!!!!!! and i even had to do it for the address too, at which point my phone beeps to say it's at 14% battery so get a charger. great. so he says "let me confirm, we are picking you up from 3214 north chicago ave in chicago IL" and i'm like "whoa whoa whoa hey wait a minute, no, that's 3214 NORTH avenue, not 3214 north chicago ave... " and he seems to get flummoxed and clanks away on the keyboard and says "hold on... i have entered the address and it says you are in arlington heights illinois" and i'm like "what the fuck? dude i'm in chicago.... at the corner of kedzie and north avenue which is 3214 north ave... i know it runs east and west but i don't know the direction for the address, i just know 3214 north ave and that i am at the corner of kedzie and north in CHICAGO, as i am most definitely NOT in arlington heights"

at this point dude starts getting twitchy and interjecting random "sir... sirs" and a bunch of "hold on"s as he's clanking away at his lord and savior, the keyboard. as i'm starting to go from "flummoxed" to "vexed" the dispatcher dude gives me his knockout blow: he starts talking about lasalle st and says something like "here you are right by lasalle st and i have an address they can pick you up at there" and at this point i've just lost it and it's time to break kayfabe as i'm like "DUDE, that's in downtown chicago and as i've told you 5-10 times already i'm at north and kedzie, which is not anywhere near lasalle street and it's most definitely not arlington heights as you told me that i was actually in arlington heights before. sir, i'm at a major intersection of arterial streets in chicago illinois and i've even provided you an address which you seem to have not fully comprehended, just like we had to spend 2 minutes spelling both my last name and my street name. this is totally unacceptable" --- my phone beeps to let me know that my battery is low and it's now at 4% (!!!!!! i have a droid razr maxx HD aka a 3300mAh battery. 10% can go pretty damn far) and i've got this dinglebait fucking up the very simple request to have a fucking cab come and get me at kedzie and north in the city of chicago.... and he's not only fucking up the very basic core tenets of data entry (collecting data and entering it) but he's also got the stones to try and tell me that i'm not in chicago but i'm actually in arlington heights because that's what his computer told him..... and this was literally 1 minute before he starts telling me that he can pick me up at this address on lasalle street, which is all the way fucking downtown....

wtf is going on with this guy?!?!? he has to be outsourced labor somewhere in india, right? i mean if this guy isn't in some nondescript highrise in mumbai having his 9am coffee then he's seriously got some fucking issues because you figure somebody who feeds his damn kids because he spends hours and hours of each and every work day of his life dispatching cabs around chicagoland is going to have a fucking clue where north and kedzie is, right? i mean it's one thing if i'm tossing out some obscure intersection of two side streets that have common names like Oak or Forest or Pine or something that you'll have in countless suburbs all around you, but i'm telling you that i made it pretty fucking clear to this guy that i'm in CHICAGO and i'm at KEDZIE AND NORTH.... and really the only thing i can think of is that this guy DID technically ask "you're at the BP?" when i first gave him the address, so maybe just maybe the dude had a total brainfart or somehow botched the transmission of data from the almighty computer when he was confirming my pickup to be at 3214 N. Chicago Ave and he had actually gotten it entered right, but he read it off the screen wrong because in the heat of the moment i had totally spaced on the part where he seemingly knew i was at a BP station, but then still how can you blame me when the guy is confirming my pickup info and he tells me the same address on a different major arterial street, and mind you this is after i wasted ~2mins correcting the guy a combined 5+ times on how spell my last name on address.

either way, it's fucking mental and a half and shortly after telling him that this was unacceptable and he started going back to this lasalle street thing i just got really exasperated and reiterated that this was unacceptable because you clearly have no idea where the fuck i am and therefore i have no faith in you to get a cab over here even in that extra-generous (on my end) 20-30 minute window.... and to add insult to injury despite having a droid razr maxx HD with a big ol 3300mAh battery (seriously, even tho you often can piss away the the first ~15-20% battery pretty quick, 10% of this battery goes a long way. one time i decided to pull a kramer and see how much i could get out of 1% battery and i managed to talk voice for ~15mins while keeping the screen completely on streaming a video) my phone managed to go from 14% battery to 4% battery during this whole ~5-10min ordeal. now if i was going to try and get a for-sure backup cab i was going to have to be quick about it.

i ended up biting the bullet and downloading the ~27mb flash cab app, which pretty much tries to be uber from what i've gleamed of uber over the years. it's got a built in map where it shows your location and you can enter a destination to calculate an approximate fare if you want, otherwise you hit a GET CAB button which prompts you to fill out the particulars of your ride along with a custom note to the driver (i'm cool and i'm cold. i tip well. [insert joke here]) and then you sit there for a minute or two while it searches for a driver to take your request.... when one does it pops up with a push notification that says a driver has accepted your request and is ## miles / ## minutes away (while showing you on the map where the cab is in relation to you) --- it worked, and i had all of 2% of battery to spare... mazeltov!

welp, go figure that uber is indeed changing some of the way/s that taxis do business. flash cab's phone # seriously tells you that if you want to get a cab go download their app now and use that, but if you want to speak to an operator hit # now. but when you do that it just keeps on spamming the shit out of the app and this other marketing crap and after you're on the phone for 3-4 minutes listening to nonstop commercials and/or reminders that you should use the app, thats when you get frustrated and actually spend the 5 minutes downloading/setting-up the app (it has to verify your e-mail because seriously, do you think you can just get into a cab all willy nilly without proving that you're really you? ha!) --- but then i later realize the whole fucked up phone system part is prolly due to them shedding phone-operators/dispatchers in order to lower overhead costs to compete with uber.

and that's flashcab... meanwhile you've got american taxi seemingly outsourcing their phone dispatch stuff to fucking india because i guess it costs too much to have someone who actually has a pulse and an idea of how chicago is laid out and where streets are cuz holy shit this indian dude @ american.... i mean, if he's in chicago just doing stuff for american i cannot fathom how this guy gets paid to do this for a living. he was clearly attaached to his computer and the fact that he told me that i was actually in arlington heights and not chicago (again, mere minutes after he seemed to actually know where i was cuz he asked me if i was at BP and i never mentioned i was at a gas station) --- i mean.... holy shit man. this is all kinds of fucked.

and i still don't want to use uber not just because it's 100% credit card stuff and i pay cash for my cabs.... but just because like, shit man, i've got a long and storied history taking cabs with all of the shady drivers and the YEAH YOU NEED TO PAY FARE AND A HALF OF WHATS ON THE METER BECAUSE IT'S AN ***OFF-HOURS SURCHARGE.... that one takes the cake. business is slow and the streets are empty and thus it's really really easy and convenient to get around and well, you were driving around trendy neighborhoods and their trendy bars looking for fares so i mean it's not like i woke you up and summoned you out of bed to get me.... so i have to pay you 1.5x because uhhh.... you really need the business? so when you're actually busy and shorthanded and truly inconvenienced by me taking you out of the city a whole whopping ~20mins-round-trip to the suburbs because you're missing out on more fares driving through the barren cab-hailing wasteland of suburbia... yeah that's normal price. but when you're desperate for my business and and fighting off other cabbies to pick me up, thats when you give me the off hours surcharge. ok then.

ever just wanted to scream at someone that they're full of shit? man..... there you go. off hours surcharge.... give uber enough time and i bet you they'll come up with a reason to give that one a go (cuz IIRC they're all about their "peak hours surcharge" which is technically some world's smallest violin playing your song fare, but realistically is just a "because we can" aka "whatch00 gonna do?" surcharge.

TLDR = BRICK IS RIGHT (AS BRICK IS ALWAYS RIGHT) WHEN HE SAYS THAT PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SUCKS AND ANYONE WHO USES IT NEEDS TO TRY NOT SUCKING AT LIFE SO THEY CAN GO OUT AND GET THEIR OWN AUTOMOBILE. THE END.

oh, and this american taxi dispatcher dude.... whether you're in elmhurst or newschool bombay seriously fuck off with this shit where you're telling me that no matter what i've been deluded to think by my evidently-disfunctional powers of spatial recognition, i'm actually in arlington heights IL. PROTIP: i'm never in arlington heights IL. and if i am i'm not calling for a cab, i'm calling for a hearse #ElkGroveRepresent

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Why didn't you just try to pick up the North Line at Fullerton/Pulaski? I suppose that's not a place you want to linger if you can't get the timing.

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If sini posted like a normal person he'd have rpb bested by aT least 20,000 posts.

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i mean this in the nicest way possible, but please shut the fuck up dude. you clicked on my damn thread where the first fucking sentence says i'm going to kick back and tell a story and it's gonna be TL;DR and yet you still feel the need to come here and be like LOLLLLL SINI'S NOT NORMAL HAHAHAHA!!!!!

of course i'm not normal... do you know what normal is? normal is when you're so completely and totally unremarkable that there's nothing to really say about you because you came off of a "cultural" assembly line where you take respite in the fact that that there's a whole lot of people out there just like you.... ok there might be some cosmetic differences... maybe you drink coke and they drink pepsi, but either way you're both drinking soda and in the end your "individuality" (key word-part = DUALITY, as in "the fundamental duality of existence" altho believers of THE ONE TRUE GOD will tell you that those "as above so below" crowleyfags certainly put the "fags" in "crowleyfags") is basically an endless series of multiple-choice-questions/decisions where you're too daft to realize that you're not making any REAL choices, you're just choosing between one of two brands or versions or renditions.

metaphorically speaking, if you made a "real choice" you'd grab a sharpie and cross out one of the multiple choice answers and write your own answer in there and select it. aesthetically it'd be unpleasing because it'd break the uniformity of the test's font/formatting/design/etc and that would cause the SpiralStairses of the multiple choice test scene to pop up and say "HEY THIS GUY TOOK A MARKER AND SCRIBBLED ALL OVER ONE OF THE CHOICES LIKE AN INFANT! THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!!" and you might be like "wtf? i was just making a legitimate choice here! the test doesn't have the proper answer/s... i do!" but then comes the inevitable retort: "lol this guy thinks he has all the answers.... someone ring up the pope and tell him that jesus is back because we just found him right here! and guess what? he has all of the answers!"

indeed, this is why everyone knows that multiple choice tests are world-renown as "easy" or at least "easier" than their originality-beckoning counterparts. nobody's going to accuse you of thinking you're jesus if you just keep your head down and keep on filling in those bubbles on the scantron until the test tells you to stop. artistically speaking, at worst it'd be akin to the transcendental works of jackson pollock* if you decided to, say, eschew the whole concept of "multiple choice" and start writing your answers in the form of an essay right over those scantron bubbles. can you imagine what that would be like? to kick it off you could hum the riff of "rebel rebel" as you go and write your name anywhere but the goofy place that says Name:_____________________ and then to finish it off with a happier ending than any "4real" oriental massage parlor could provide, you can write "ONLY TUPAC CAN JUDGE ME! SINCERELY, GOD" at the very end of your work.

now what will your fate be if you went that route? well first of all the scantron probably wouldn't just give you a 0 and be done with it, oh no it'd likely pull a SpiralStairs and start shrieking SYNTAX ERROR! SYNTAX ERROR! THE SUBMITTED FORM IS INVALID! THIS IS NOT NORMAL! AHHHHHHH!!!! and it'd refuse to actually grade your work. next up on the agenda would be the teacher taking notice of your brazen display and calling for a meeting with you and your parents to sit down and discuss what happened and furthermore where can we go from here? while you can claim that for just that one time in your life you decided to stand up for what you believe in and do something that really has some meaning to it, "teach" will simply ask "are you serious?" which then compels you to unleash a wry grin as you say "put it this way, they used to call me satellite radio back in the day"

...and then a random student who just happened to overhear this conversation while walking by in the hallway chimes in with "what's that even supposed to mean?" and then and only then does the roof suddenly fly off of the building to reveal a sky chock full of clouds that begin to part as a beam of light comes down through the parting clouds on to the middle of the table and begins to expand as the clouds drift further and further apart. when the circular beam of light reaches a diameter that's roughly the size of an average human being, that's when SpiralStairs manifests Himself right there in the middle of the table in a robe truly befitting of a proper olympian god. something similar to this:



and then as everyone waits with baited breath as SpiralStairs smiles and spreads his arms as if to decree the word of god direct from the heavens, for only such an important task would be befitting of a SpiralStairs appearance, and then he looks at the test and he looks at you and he utters...



so then the teacher pulls out his 38 magnum and puts it to your head but before he can pull the trigger your father says "no, i created this mess i think i should be the one who does it" at which point it hits you.... you realize the true meaning of life as everything flashes before your eyes at once, and then you realize the folly of your ways because all this time you only really wanted to say one thing.... one thing so beautiful that it transcends words, because if the devil is truly in the details.... well then i'm thinking a TLDR post with over 1000 words must be like a McMansion for satan.

and then you say It:

so you reach over and take teacher's gun and put it right in between your eyes and pull the trigger while saying "NUMBER 5..... WAS ALIVE STEPHANIEEEEEEE......"

[epilogue]

not much else of consequence happens after that transcendental moment. the school janitor thinks you're a real asshole, teacher thinks "phew at least i dont have to deal with that nutjob again. makes my life easier" your parents both realize they're gay and actually start to like each other now that they're away from the house 90% of the day fucking other people, and then of course your scantron ("titled" No. 5) sells for 165.4 million once david geffen gets bored of it.

THE END!

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yeah i think i came up with a solution that should balance out my innate desire to TLDR when i want to and yet still have a "compatibility mode" with the rest of (you dullards on) the CSFMB >>>

i'm just going to put a post it note on the front of my brain that says "don't go TLDR in threads not made by you" because then i won't be going around the board shitting-up/derailing threads made by "normal" people here, most like don tiny's "good upstanding" people and etc etc.

but dammit, sometimes i've got stories to tell and if i wanna tell them i'm gonna tell them.,.... so i figure if you're dumb enough to click on a sinicalypse thread and expect quality/entertainment and not the second coming of the fucking magna carta, well then.... you're a goddamn idiot and i'm not too worried if you're vexed by my boundless audacity to coexist on the same messageboard as you.

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No.

TL;DR: Hell No

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

well this was circa 8:30-8:40pm and the MD-N train that leaves union station at 8:35 hits western at 8:44 and then i'd guess like 8:49-8:50/ish for



but yeah man, from kedzie and north you figure if you tried to shoot down to fullerton/pulaski in ~10-15mins you'd need a cab to do that.... and hey if i can get a cab to get over there, well, why teh fuck not just pay the extra $20 and get home sans bullshit?

oh yeah and i'd be remiss if i didnt mention that on saturdays (if not he whole rest of hte week too) the MD-N train skips the 9pm-hour/935-train and makes you wait til 1035 for the next one, so if i tried to be frugal and save upwards of ~$20 by waiting it out man i'd have to wait 2hrs to then take a ~25min train to a ~15min walk and i'm getting back home circa 1125 or thereabouts.

not to mention if i end up killing time @ union station i'm to cut into that $20 savings to get myself a beer or a value menu thing at mcdonalds and that's less $$$aved. also man would you believe that i'm the type of guy who will be smoking out on canal and have a funky looking black dude also smoking come up to him and be like "what are you listening to?" so i give him a listen and he's like that's very good! and in talking to him 4 a second you realize something is odd and wow, this guy sure seems to be mildly-to-decently retarded. there's some sort of seriious mental development issues there but the guy seems fairly stable and a happy retarded dude (cuz nobody wants to see the retarded strength come out during some retarded WTF and yeah) so as i'm finishing up the cigarette and about to go i had left the mp3 player going so its on a different song and dude is like hey can i hear that one before you go? i'm like sure.... so he pops on the headphones and kind of motions to take the mp3 player to see what the name of the song is and he vibes out for a second and then he goes "I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG.... YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO KEEP IT. I HOPE YOU DONT MIND BECAUSE I LIKE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU, BUT YEAH, I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SONG!!! THANK YOU BYE!!!" and he promptly turns around and walks away bopping his head to my mp3 player and headphones.

now you wanna talk about a fucked up scenario? there you have it. if this guy was a con-man faking being retarded to pickpocket/gank people like that then dude my hat is off because this guy is fucking brilliant because he had me totally sold and etc... he pretty much deserves the $20/each mp3 player and headphones on those merits alone. furthermore, if you think about the situation i'm in at that secoond, if it's a work and it's a con then i mean you have to seriously fucking applajud this dude because i can't exactly chase down some (seemingly) retarded blakc duded and be like AYO GIVE ME MY SHIT BACK because then he can go whine and cry and what's my burden of proof that it's my mp3 player? and let's say i go to take it back by force and dont get got by genius strength and genius will.. well what if the cops show up and i'm essentially beating up a retarded guy to take a mp3 player from and again... whats my burden of proof? will the cops default to believing a retarded guy over me? idk. and while there is a badass dude in me who says "genius or not thats your shit go get it back" --- just the chance that i might end up legit fighting a genius on the middle of canal st = i had to let it go because in the bigger picture there are certain lines you just cant cross.... and fighting a retarded dude to take your mp3 player back is one of them.

so you live, you learn, and you get luvs.... sunny outlook for the rest of life, eh?

what would you have done there CH? and of course not give the retareded guy your mp3 player / headphones doesnt count cuz DUH i mean i learned a lesson there... but what could i really have done in that moment? and again, if that's a conman that's a conman who legit earned my stuff because holy shit he put me in a situation where i was left without a move short of running and finding the police.... but uhhhh yeah idk if circumstances dfctated that this was a time i really didnt want to talk to the police... i think that might have been a factor too otherwise that'd seem the way to go.... but then again you gotta tell a cop that you let some retarded guy not even mug you for your stuff but just kind of take it and say he's keeping it and goodbye?

ah well c'est la vie. thats why i like taking cabs home.... no retarded people to gank my mp3 player and/or headphones. or shit im trying to remember why one time i think i had 2 narcotics officers trying to track me down through a crowded union station (i wanna say it had something to do with some low level pusher-caliber dealer dude str8up harassing me to buy weed or coke or something and no matter how much i was like no, no, no, no, plz go away... seriously dude.... you know, i almost wonder if dude was working with the cops on some kind of fucked up off the books reverse sting where he hard sells people shit rats em out to frick and frack and then SUPERCOPS!!!! come flying in and use their extensive instincts/skills/training to somehow figure out that i was on/possessing drugs and then BLAM!!! get the arrest look good for your boss, maybe get promoted off othe streets?

i didnt see any badges and i had lots of goofy/mysterious street actors permeating my day to day life back then so it's entirely possible these two white guys were actors fronting to be plainclothes/narco cops... but it felt like cops to me. and i remmeber having to do some janky technical shit to duck and weave through foot traffic (i'm 6'4" / 275 so i literally mean duck and weave so i didnt stick out) and i got on a train and got down to an open seat by a window as the train PA was like THE DOORS WILL NOW CLOSE and then BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM dude's beating on the window and screaming something threatening-seeming-at-me cuz i was lower deck (i wanna say it was an odd setup where the upper level was all filled and i had to sit lower level cuz obviously esp if you think you're being chased some dudes who might or might not be cops DUH... you hide upstairs or in the bathroom but i wanna say this was a post-bears-game train home and it was just fucking mental, especailly after the window blamming and pointing and screaming shit like I KNOW WHO YOU ARE I WILL REMEMBER YOU SO IF YOU DONT GET OUT HERE NOW YOU'RE FUCKED DUDE and i mean... when that train pulled off i was like PHEW. and of course i was so spooked i got on the cellphone and arranged for a cab to meet me 3 stops down and then i switched train cars hid in the bathroom and got out unnoticed to take a cab home cuz i was afrraid that if those dudes were legit cops and they wanted to fuck with me on the tain they could have called ahead and gotten metra cops to hold me for them or something.

haaaaa that reminds me too, one time i was on a late night or possibly last metra home and i was upstairs at the far back seat (the pimp seat) and i was talking to a ~20-30something couple across from me and i swear to god out of NOWHERE this big strong doofy conductor dude up and starts pointing at me and screaming HEY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO NOT THREATEN PEOPLE ON MY TRAIN!!!" and me and the couple were like huh? and they even spoke up liek "SIR, HE'S NOT THREATENING US... HE'S ENTERTAINING US... HE'S COOL AND WE'RE HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION" but this guy wouldnt hear any of it and started screaming something about "JUST [I] WAIT.... JUST [I] WAIT..." and it didnt help that his other conductor partner was hands down the craziest bitch i've ever seen on the metra/equivalents (LIRR, etc) i mean she was a raging fucking psycho who was truly a miserable Caller Bob and just outright seething negativity and bad vibes and i've personally seen her str8up flip out on ~5-10 differnet (sets of) people over the years (of course my first experience was her being a totally malignant Caller Bob to me and i was just kind of like what the hell? and she proceeded to lay into me before going I DONT HAVE TO TAKE THIS!!! I DONT HAVE TO TAKE THIS AT ALL!!! I'M TRYING TO DO MY JOB AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME FIRED!!!" and i think i managed to squash it while thinking "i hope this chick is prescribed SOMETHING that starts with the letter V or maybe even X...

so back to dude... he's not even collecting tickets out of union station he's just pacing back and forth muttering to himself and conferring with that a4mentioned superbitch (who btw, i've actively warned like 10ppl over the years to not crack wise with her cuz seriously she will eat you alive. it's total ma'am yes maam thank you territory) and teh fucked up thing is that this guy is pacing by the doors right where the stairs go down so i make the decision i gotta get off this train because this giant conductor dude (he had to be bigfan sized, or well like 6'5" / 6'6" and uhhhh.... ~250-300 of seemingly 1/2 and 1/2 muscle and excess? and yeah like i said 6'4" 275 and when someone is bigger than me i'm usually very not fucking around with them cuz this doesnt happen all that much) so i ended up kind of timing it to where i knew we were about to pull into the next stop so i ended up climbing down over the top rail to the luggage rack to feet on a seat to down and out the other door....


and man CH, i will never forget that as i was getting off the train something like 5-6 metra cops were in the process of boarding the train and i just smoothly walked past them and popped on my headphones and was casual til i got around the corner then BOOKED IT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!! yeah it ended up being a ~$20-30 cab home or something but man, this conductor was str8up delusional or perhaps one of my actor friends or something because man.... i swear to god, i think the most risque joke i cracked that maybe could have set him off if he heard it out of context was "yeah you know i've got a myspace account called "My Big White Windowless Van" where the quote or whatever was "FREE CANDY! INQUIRE WITHIN" and maybe he thought i was trying to menace them like i have a big white windowless van and.... uhhh... well.. i have no fucking idea.

but yeah dont let these extreme stories fool ya.... i can seamlessly integrate into any sect of society and of course all this shit happened years ago when i was in more of my "man of the people" mode where like, example, every other weekend i decidated one of the weekend nights to hanging out wiht homeless people (instead of going to bars) and hooking them up with dinner/drinks/non-alcohol-drinks/hey-if-they-wanted-drugs-and-i-can-pull-it-off-sure....

but even offering up the drug stuff through insinuations at least, man, i had a good run of meeting decent people who had crfazy/ish stories to tell abotu how they ended up there... most didnt even want alcohol. and of course that part of my life got ruined when the one dude showed up on the night of the dragonforce show and forced himself on me hanging out with a nice homeless lady and her daughter and this dude just had an inexplicable hardon for me that included offering me low grade marijuana, offering me a role in a movie he was making, not leaving me alone for 2hrs like literally following me when i tried to leave.... oh and ultimately he told me that then-mayor richie daley ran over a 4 year old girl in his personal car and well, he knows because he had to clean her guts and body parts out of the wheelwell so he needed someone he coulkd trust to help him kill the major and hey would i please be that guy?

actors dude. i never bothered to ask who or what they were about or where they came from. but hey on the plus side i got to smoke a joint with allegorical satan once.... kind of a dinky little white guy who talked in a jason statham voice and smoked schwag weed. he was able to forcefully bump into chicks literally walking down the street and spit such great game they were down to roll with him and go to a bar with him right away (unless they were actors too) so he beckoned me to come with him and we'll drink til we puke and then puke til we drink... we'll start a barfight.... he wanted to break a big bay window that night... we'll snort cocaine off of these sluts tits and then fuck them til they love us.... comeon dude you cant just stay sheltered up with the old man forever! come out and LIVE with me tonight.

told dude that i thought he was a pretty cool guy who doesnt afraid of anything and i respect his outlook on things (entirely pessimistic / humans need to be subjugated and controlled and dominated nad ordered around, etc. yeah all these guys ended up talking pretty deep philosophical shit with me cuz thats just how i roll, pillsbury) and yeah.... but i mean, you know only right now did i ever ponder that the chicks could have been actresses to cuz he did just like whomp walk right into them (showing off his power level and thus his ability to make chicken salad out of chicken shit) and at first they were like wtf?!! but then he spit what sure seemed like world class game and got them laughing and eating right out of his hands.... so c'est la vie.

pretty much i just try to keep it chill and minimal cuz back in 09/12 i was maximal and the rabbithole seemed to go pretty damn deep... but then again that could have been a trick too and the rabbithole was shallow, but lighting tricks and mentaqlism had me thinking it was way deep... but either way, utterly fascinating stuff that makes me wonder the obvious question for a split second here and there: why me? i'm nobody from nowhere.

ah well the truth is above my paygrade.

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hey rick, remember that one time i absolutely junked you in one of your TRADEMARK ARGUMENTS(TM) and you followed me around the board making stupid little prodding/poking posts like this on the surface trying to instigate me to get into another argument with you.... but dig a little bit deeper and you'd see it was this cute little oh-so-endearing thing where you're like HEY SINI!!! SINI!!! OVER HERE! B-RICK!!! REMEMBER ME? HEY REMEMBER OUR ARGUMENT! AHHH YEAH THAT WAS FUN! COME AND ARGUE WITH ME AGAIN SOMETIME SINI... THAT'S BOILERMAKER RICK. YEAH COOL THANKS FOR YOUR TIME... OH YEAH WAIT HEH FUCK YOU DUDE YOU TLDR PSYCHOPATH! RIIIIIGHT. YOU SUCK SINI. AND TAKE YOUR TL;DR WITH YOU..... back to a thread i'm arguing with people in because comeon dude, that was fun.... wasn;'t it? PLEASE ARGUE WITH ME AGAIN SINI I MISS YOU!!!! ok fine you're gonna ignore ME? see you after your next post... mwa ha ha!

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Didn't read.

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

It this system counted characters typed, sini is about 2 mill in front of everyone easy.

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

C'est la vie.

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

Sini, serious man....are you on some acid trip when you do this shit???? These extended rants are crazy

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

And fucking awesome.

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His mind is not for rent to any God or government.

Well, when you take that option off the table, it's a lot harder to answer, isn't it? I guess I'm lucky that my years of late-night lingering at Union Station were largely without incident, except for the time a schizophrenic woman thought I was photographing her because I was texting in her vicinity.

And the Healy station should just be called Fullerton, or Fullerton/Pulaski, or "Just Far Enough From Logan Square Gentrification To Make You Sweat," because what is Healy? What does that tell you about anywhere? I don't get Metra's weird vestigial station names in the city, like "Bryn Mawr" about as far from Bryn Mawr Avenue as can be.

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Maybe, maybe not, I dont read them.

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

Not even that crazy when you consider voice to text. He's just telling a story

so you don't read them but you know they're crazy because they're long?

hey biggie, do yourself a favor and don't ever go within 50yds of a bookstore... your head might explode. seriously these assholes have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pages of self-aggrandizing bluster. WHY CAN'T THESE PEOPLE JUST SAY IT IN UNDER 150 CHARACTERS? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?!?!?!

i could picture spiralstairs walking through the same bookstore picking up all these different books like "WAIT A MINUTE... THIS GUY ISN'T NORMAL! THIS ISN'T NORMAL! 300 PAGES? DUDE EVERYBODY IN MY BOWLING LEAGUE CAN BARELY POST 5 ENTERTAINING TWEETS A MONTH AND THEY'RE AS NORMAL AS CAN BE.... 225 PAGES OF WIT? THAT'S NOT NORMAL! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE? WHY DO THEY NOT ONLY CONDONE BUT CHAMPION THIS DANGEROUS AUTISM? THEY HAVE THESE PAPER THINGS FILLED WITH EXTENDED SINI-STYLE-TLDR-RANTS!!!! HAS NOBODY EVER SHOWN THESE PEOPLE TWITTER AND HOW NORMAL PEOPLE COMMUNICATE?

then again, if everyone in the world was writing books who would scrub the toilets? who would drive the buses? who would sell you coffee in the morning? nobody... because everyone's busy writing their book.... so if writing becomes the new normal, the world ends because nobody is working in factories.... nobody is driving trucks.... damn.

so basically, if i were to ever truly be "normal" the world would end because that would mean everyone's busy writing and nobody's out there living. so i guess basically writing/reading is to life as masturbation is to sex: you don't wanna spend more than 1 minute doing it unless you're doing it with a professional, eh?

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