LAST SEASON THE LIONS WENT 11-5. BEST WEVE SEEN FROM THESE ASSHOLES SINCE FUCKING FREEJACK WAS IN THEATERS. AND I STILL WANNA STRANGLE EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LAST ONE OF THEM. HERES WHY:

LYING DOWN TO THE PANTHERS IN WEEK 2. HOLY SHIT WHAT A KICK IN THE BALLS THAT WAS. FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON THE LIONS CAME OUT HOT BEATING THE PISS OUT OF THE NEW YORK GIANTS ON MONDAYNIGHT FOOTBALL AND I KNOW 95% OF PEOPLE READING THIS HAD TO LIKE THE LIONS PUSHING ELI’S ASSHOLE FACE RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING TURF FOR THREE STRAIGHT GLORIOUS NATIONALLY TELEVISED HOURS. THEN WE TURN AROUND AND LET SCAM NEWTON BEAT OUR FUCKING ASSES BLOODY IN A 1PM GAME NOBODY GAVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT. VINTAGE LIONS AND EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT YOU KNOW IS GONNA BE HAUNTING YOU COME WEEK 17

THEN THE BILLS. CHRIST. THE FUCKING BILLS. YOU KNOW WHAT? I THOUGHT I KNEW HATRED I THOUGHT I KNEW MURDEROUS FUCKING RAGE. THEN I WATCHED THAT PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG JIM SCHWARTZ COMMAND HIS SECONDRATE SQUAD TO CARRY HIS FANCY FUCKING ASS OFF OF OUR FIELD LIKE IT WAS SOME GENIUS DEFENSIVE SCHEME OF HIS THAT BROUGHT THEM THE VICTORY AND NOT THAT LIMP NOODLE ALEX HENERY BIFFING THREE STRAIGHT FIELD GOALS AND MAKING ME PINE FOR THE GLORY DAYS OF DAVID AKERS. OH MY GOD IM FUCKING ASHAMED TO SAY I ONCE SHOOK SCHWARTZ’ HAND AND TOLD HIM WITH ALL FRIENDLY CONCERN TO START LISTENING TO SLAYER INSTEAD OF ALL THAT WACK FUCKING STONEWASHED HAIRBAND DICKROCK FUCKING BULLSHIT HE TWEETS ABOUT. HE SHAKES HANDS LIKE A BITCH BY THE WAY. FUCK HIM AND FUCK BUFFALO AND REALLY FUCK THE FUCKING #BILLSMAFIA

I WAS IN ALL MY GLORY FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT THOUGH WATCHING THE LIONS PULL A DECENT WIN STREAK AND WHO THE FUCK DIDNT GET A LONG LAUGH OUT OF THE NICE BRIGHT AND EARLY FUCK YOU THAT THE LIONS GAVE THE FALCONS IN LONDON. BUT SERIOUSLY WE USED UP A DECADE’S WORTH OF FLUKE VICTORIES IN THAT STRETCH. AND PHOENIX PUT THE KIBOSH ON THAT SHIT RIGHT QUICK AND LET US KNOW HEY MAYBE IT WASNT SUCH A GREAT IDEA CUTTING STAFFORD’S FUCKING BALLS OFF: TWO FUCKING FIELD GOALS IN THAT GAME TO THE CARDINALS’ TWO WEAKASS FIRSTHALF TOUCHDOWNS. FUCKING PHOENIX FUCK THEM. EVERYBODY TALKING UP THEM LIKE THEY WERE SERIOUS. I KNEW THEY WERE BULLSHIT AND THATS HOW IT TURNED OUT AND THEY STILL MADE US LOOK LIKE IMBECILES

AND AFTER THAT THE PATRIOTS BURIED US LIKE WE WERE DRIVING THROUGH THE FUCKING BIG DIG. I WAS THERE FOR THAT GAME: FOUR FUCKING HOURS WATCHING MY SORRYASS TEAM GET DISMANTLED BY THE LOATHSOME FUCKING PATRIOTS WITH F15 FIGHTER JETS SOARING OVERHEAD IN PATRIOTIC APPROVAL AND FIREWORKS EXPLODING LIKE BEATING THE LIONS IS THE FOURTH OF FUCKING JULY AND THOSE PHONY IRISH A-TEAM WATCHING SIXTH-GENERATION AMERICAN FUCKHEADS THE DROPKICK MURPHYS BLARING ALL THE WHILE. IN FACT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID THERE AT WE-SHAVE-YOUR-BALLS STADIUM? THEY DID AN INFORMAL POLL OVER THE P.A. AND PLAYED DETROIT ROCK CITY AND IM SHIPPING UP TO BOSTON AND HAD THE FANS CHEER FOR THEIR FAVORITE. YEAH I WONDER HOW THE FUCK THATS GONNA PLAY OUT. BUT HEY THAT KIND OF RIGGED GAME IS RIGHT UP NEW ENGLAND’S ALLEY. FUCK THEM AND FUCK THAT WHOLE FUCKING CHEATINGASS ENTERPRISE. IT WAS HELL. SHEER FUCKING HELL. BUT AT LEAST I FOUND OUT WHATS WAITING FOR ME WHEN MY LIVER INEVITABLY FAILS AND I SHUFFLE OFF THIS BULLSHITTINGASS MORTAL COIL: AN ETERNITY OF 70,000 UPPERCLASS WHITE SHITHEADS WITH FAKE ACCENTS PRETENDING THEY’RE SOUTHIES BREATHING SAM ADAMS’ DOGSHIT OKTOBERFEST DOWN MY NECK AND SCREAMING HOUSE OF PAIN LYRICS IN MY FUCKING EAR WHILE MY BELOVED PATHETIC BUNGLING LIONS GET RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB BY A BUNCH OF CHEATING MURDERING SUPERMODEL-FUCKING ASSHOLES

OH AND SURPRISE THE LIONS LOST TO THE PACKERS TOO. FUCKING LAMBEAU FUCKING BULLSHIT FUCK IT ALL FUCKING GREEN BAY AINT EVEN A REAL CITY AND MOTHERFUCK ANY SON OF A BITCH WHO NEVER STEPPED FOOT IN WACKASS WISCONSIN BUT STILL PULLS FOR THEIR DESPICABLE FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM. YOU SEE THOSE OUT OF STATE FRONTRUNNER MOTHERFUCKERS ROOTING FOR THE BUCKS? FUCK NO YOU DONT. AND VINCE LOMBARDI CAN KISS MY ASS TOO. FUCK HIM AND HIS HAT. BUT AS MUCH AS I HATE THE PACKERS I FUCKING HATE THE LIONS EVEN MORE FOR NEVER EVER BEING ABLE TO BEAT THEM. OH SURE WE BEAT THEM AT FORD FIELD EARLY IN THE YEAR (TULLOCH BLOWING HIS FUCKING KNEE OUT DOING THE DISCOUNT DOUBLECHECK IN A CIRCUMSTANCE SO FUCKING DUMB IT MADE ME JUST WANNA NUKE THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY SO I DIDNT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ANY OF IT ANYMORE) BUT WE COULDNT GET IT DONE WHEN IT MATTERED AND FROM EVERYTHING THESE SAD EYES HAVE EVER SEEN WE NEVER WILL. AND NO MATTER WHAT THE FUCK GLOVER QUIN SAYS JORDY NELSON TEARING HIS ACL ISNT PART OF GOD’S PLAN TO SEND THE LIONS TO THE SUPERBOWL. GOD’S PLAN IS FUCK THE LIONS AND HES BEEN PULLING IT OFF MASTERFULLY

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE FUCKING LIONS LOSING TO THE FUCKING COWBOYS IN THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING PLAYOFFS. THE WILDCARDASS PLAYOFFS OF COURSE SINCE WE LET THAT DIVISION LEAD DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT SIXTY BUCKS I WAS UP AT MOTOR CITY CASINO THE OTHER NIGHT. REF ALL PICKING UP THE FLAG LIKE “OH MY GOD IM SORRY MR JONES IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN!” WHEN THE FUCK HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED. BUT HEY AS PLAIN FUCKING BULLSHIT AS THAT WAS MY LIONS CRUMBLED LIKE A MICHIGAN OVERPASS AFTER THAT SHIT. A TEAM THAT I LOVE SHOULD TAKE A BULLSHIT NO-CALL LIKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE NOT AS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME OVER SCREEN. NOT MY LIONS THOUGH. TEN YARD PUNT WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK. BENGALS ALL OVER AGAIN EXCEPT THIS TIME IT WAS THE PLAYOFFS . FUCKING LIONS. THEY LAID RIGHT DOWN TO GET FUCKED AND BOY DID THEY EVER

SHIT WHAT DID I MISS: OH YEAH. OUR FIRST ROUND PICK WANTS TO SOLVE THE HEALTH CRISIS IN JAMAICA AND ID MAKE A MILLION DOLLAR BET THAT HE MAKES THAT HAPPEN BEFORE HE SEES A FUCKING PLAYOFF VICTORY WITH THE LIONS. GOLDEN TATE’S STILL FUCKING YOUR WIFE AND STEALING MAPLE BARS AND ACTING LIKE THE PLACE HE SHOPLIFTED FROM OWES HIM A FUCKING ENDORSEMENT CONTRACT. JOSEPH FAURIA’S DOG CANT EVEN TAKE A PISS WITHOUT ROLLING DANCIN’ JOE’S ANKLE LIKE A FATASS JOINT AND PUTTING HIS GANGLING ITS-ALL-GOOD-BRO 6-RECEPTION FUCKING ASS OUT FOR THE HALF THE SEASON. AND NDAMUKONG SUH HIT THE FUCKING ROAD LIKE WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD. AFTER ALL THE MAN IS A SOCIOPATH MOTIVATED SOLELY BY MONEY AND SPITE. GODDAMN I LOVED THAT GUY. THANK CHRIST HE WASNT SIGNED BY A TEAM IN OUR CONFERENCE. I HOPE HE FUCKING MURDERS EVERYBODY IN THE AFC

I ASKED MY OLD MAN FOR A FINAL WORD ON THE LIONS. HE SAID “WHY DO YOU BUG ME WITH THIS SHIT EVERY YEAR?” I WAS LIKE HEY IM A LIONS FAN. HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT WHILE I CAN. I CANT

Our hotel smelled like dead hooker vagina (before you ask I had gotten a detailed description from beardown)

You don't understand the pain associated with being a Lions' fan.

Our hotel smelled like dead hooker vagina (before you ask I had gotten a detailed description from beardown)